He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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