I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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