what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
