After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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