I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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