I'd wear matching sweaters with you
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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