My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
