Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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