I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so let's talk penis.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
