dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
