foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
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Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
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By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
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