My friends, they love my intelligence
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
