tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
