u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
