That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
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I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
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this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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