Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Randomize
