I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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