woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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