my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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