I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
