he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
