Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
