Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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