My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
