alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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