Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Randomize
