I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
