Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
