I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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