guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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