I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
