the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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