Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
