Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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