I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
