It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
