Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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