I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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