i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
