Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
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It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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