sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
