She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
