I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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