Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet