I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
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I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
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Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah