You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration