Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing