She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
