I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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