I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
