I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Randomize
