If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
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Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
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Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.