THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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