drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Randomize
