I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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