MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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