She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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