I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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